Prime Time Parenting

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Sydney's Child, November 2005

For most of us, the demands of modern life mean we don’t consider having children until our 30s. Last year, the average age of first-time mothers climbed to above 30 years. For first-time dads, the average age is 33. In part, this shift has come about through the ever-increasing complexity and affluence of our modern world – there’s just too much to do.

The path of young adulthood seems to run something like this: go to university, get a job, perhaps engage in post-graduate study then establish a career. Then travel overseas, save for a house, find a partner, buy a house, and pay enough of the mortgage to reach financial stability – and then, maybe consider having children. Youth has become a lifestyle choice, and in the space of a generation parenthood is no longer regarded as a desirable option for young people.

However, over 140,000 Australian parents are under the age of 25, and the majority of this group is over 20. These parents report that their excitement and enthusiasm about becoming a parent is not widely shared. Their community generally views their choice as a mistake. Despite this, young parents are demonstrating that child rearing doesn’t impede on a fulfilling and exciting life.

“As a young parent, you get stereotyped. The main one is that we are all on welfare or are single. We are also perceived as not being able to look after our child,” says Kat Taylor-Wilbraham.

Kat married her husband Trent when she was 18. She became pregnant at 19. “It took us four months,” she says. And while her family was ecstatic, many people expressed fears that they were too young to have children. The banks were not worried though. By the time Trent and Kat’s daughter Charla was six months old, they owned their own home.

Living in small, rural Western Australian town means that Kat and Trent’s isolation is more pronounced than that experienced by many young parents. Kat notices the lack of support services, and is disappointed by the attitudes of many people. Consequently, they are considering returning to Perth next year.

Kat and Trent are typical of young parents who, like their own parents before them, are managing a series of major decisions and events within a very short timeline. Kat has almost finished studying and the couple has established their own business so they can both be at home together, to raise their child.

Many young parents develop an astounding level of flexibility and mutual support. One couple who became parents at 21 has spent the last two years working part-time. While dad finishes his university degree, mum works for the government and pursues her opera career after graduating from the Victorian College of the Arts. One of them is always available to care for their now two-year-old son.

But like all parents, young parents don’t see themselves as doing anything extraordinary. If anything, they are fulfilling the aspirations shared by the majority of Australians – they are just acting earlier. Last year, a research project conducted by the Australian Institute for Family Studies into fertility decision-making showed that young Australians definitely want to have kids. Their report, It’s not for lack of wanting kids, demonstrated that over 80 per cent of young Australians between 20 and 29 years want two or more children. Those people starting earlier are certainly in the best position to fulfil those aspirations.

Suzanne (surname) planned to have children, even if it didn’t quite go to plan. “I first became a parent six month ago,” she says. “I was 21 years old when my daughter was born. My partner and I had planned to have children next year, but Tahlia decided to come along just a little bit earlier.” She and her partner are now learning to value things they had previously taken for granted.

“Since becoming a young parent, I have learnt to value many things which previously I didn’t see as important. Little things, such as a full night’s sleep and a shower, are treats,” Suzanne says. She also identifies that becoming a mother has provided the incentive for many other things. “I have become more responsible in how I act and look after myself, as I need to set a good example to my child. I am also more motivated to finish my studies so I can get a good job to support my family,” she explains.

But, like Kat and Trent, Suzanne has also faced criticism. “Most people were shocked to hear that I was going have a baby; many were not sure whether to congratulate me or comfort me. I see my daughter as a blessing that enriches my life everyday – but unfortunately, not everyone I come across shares my enthusiasm.”

Most young parents indicate they found themselves sharing the company of parents many years older, brought together through antenatal classes, first-time parenting groups and playgroups. Natalie Stintson, 22, explains her experience in a new mother’s group formed by her Maternal and Child Health Nurse: “The mums’ (ages) in this group range from 30 to 40, so I am almost ten years younger than them all.”

It’s something young parents get used to. But Suzanne points out, there is still a divide: “I have had difficulties associating with older parents. They tend to have different interests and experiences to those that I have. Though we share the challenges of parenthood, even this challenge is different with age,” she says.

My own experience was similar. When I found out I was going to be a dad at 23, I attended a male-focussed antenatal group at the Royal Women’s Hospital in Victoria. Of the 30 men in attendance, I was the only one under 30. During the tea break, one man was clearly bewildered by my decision to become a dad. “But, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you,” he exclaimed.

It’s a great misconception that young parents aren’t living a fulfilled and eventful life. Young parents generally indicate they are far more productive than they had been before children. One young father I know recently stayed at his sister’s share-house. An entire night was spent preparing dinner and watching the television. He wasn’t envious, but truly startled by the waste of time. “They have nothing to do,” he observed.

Natalie believes she has benefited enormously from being a young parent. “ (I have) an amazing respect for women all over the world, and in all different circumstances. A strength I never knew I had comes out in the toughest times, and an amazing bond with my partner.”

However, Natalie is aware that given the lack of support for young parents, serious consideration should go into the decision to become a parent: “I would only recommend (parenting) if you have a strong support network. If your partner is not around or does not want to be around, then having dependable parents or friends would work too.

“I do love the fact that I have the energy to keep up with my son. And as we want more, I know the risks of having complications with future pregnancies is reduced. I also look forward to the fact that I will be 30 when I finish having kids, so I can join the workforce full time and have kids at school and pre-school – rather than leaving the workforce at 30 to 35, then heading back at 40 to 45,” she says.

Indeed, with the increased media coverage of ‘women who forgot to have children’ young parents may sit back and feel a little comfort about their situation. But despite making a lot of biological common sense, young parents are not a highly visible or supported social group “Young parents fall between the gaps,” says Suzanne. “It’s easy to become isolated.”

Young parents are valuable assets. The natural enthusiasm and energy of youth are great benefits when starting a family. Parenting is a challenge, no matter how old you are. But if the community environment is positive, young parents are as capable as older parents of balancing the challenges of life while raising their children.

The Australian birth rate may be in decline, but young Australian parents are bucking the trend. They want to share their experiences. They want to encourage others to consider parenting as an option. Young parents want their communities to understand that being a young parent isn’t some kind of bad mistake. Instead, it’s a really worthwhile direction for your life.

As Kat Taylor-Wilbraham says, “I recommend being a parent, full-stop, whether (you’re) young or old. Both have their pros and cons. And for me, the pros of being a young parent far outweigh the cons.”

Daniel Donahoo is a fellow at OzProspect, a non-partisan, public policy think tank. He is a young dad of 2 boys and convener of the National Young Parents Forum to be held in 2006.

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